Breathe Life into your Dreams

A Letter on Wild Hearts, Unsigned Drawings and the Wisdom of Growing Downwards

I am an artist who loves to draw, paint, play the guitar, flute, drum and sing along, ending up being an amateur at everything. Thankfully I can write about my journey. I am a traveler who loves to move, dance and go for long walks. I don't move in a straight line. My path unfolds like a labyrinth. Distractions are all around trees, flowers, birds, feathers, fallen leaves and mushrooms after the rain. I am a lover of beauty who drifts off wherever I am. I notice the way the light moves and the shadows dance. As I walk seeds of inspiration are planted in the soft soil of my creative garden.

I am a writer who loves to play with words. Occasionally I lose my mind to come home to the truth of my heart. Some teachers thought my mind was scattered. I believed them at first. Then I rebelled and became a problem that needed to be fixed. My mind is a mystery tired of being analysed and labeled. My heart is a forest where love grows free and wild. It takes a village to raise a child and a forest to be wild.

So many judgments were clouding my mind. Thoughts and beliefs that were never mine. I should create more, be further along and find a way to make more money. A critic wiggled its way back in tempting me to go back to what is familiar, safe and secure. You have wandered off for far too long. Then I noticed there is a strategy to how a critic captures attention. It wants a response, discussion or even to pick a fight. The endless back and forth battle taking up so much space in my mind. I decided not to rebel or give in. A phrase of a friend came to mind "nature always wins."

A couple years ago, my brother told me "You have to watch the movie Where the Crawdads Sing. The girl reminded me of you. That's all I will say for now." Usually I don't like being told what to do, but I have to say my brother gives good movie recommendations. After watching the movie I read the book written by Delia Owens within a couple days.

The main character Kya, known as the "Marsh Girl," grows up isolated in nature. The story is fictional and different to mine, but at the same time I saw myself in her. She is an outsider who feels at home in nature and loves to collect feathers, shells and leaves. Kya didn't go to school. She learned everything she knew from the plants and animals through observation. Tate was her only friend who taught her how to read and write. Towards the end, she became a professional author and illustrator.

Since I was a child I dreamed of being an artist and writer. I didn't tell anyone. I thought it was only reserved for a handful of geniuses. And I definitely lacked the discipline. In my free time I would prefer to be outside, wander in the forest, watch the birds and leave my mark in the streets. In school teachers wouldn't allow me to sit next to the window or in the back. Some teachers even put my desk against the wall in front of the classroom. My good sense of humor and dreamlike nature weren't appreciated much.

A year ago I decided to further develop my skills as an artist. I signed up for a year-long program to learn traditional and realistic drawing techniques at a local art school. Boulevard Magenta resides next to one of the largest forests in the Netherlands, the Veluwe. I loved going to the drawing classes. As I continued my assignments at home, I would enter a flow state drawing for hours. Most importantly the creative process became enjoyable and relaxing. The teacher and other students were kind, honest and encouraging. Towards the end of the year, the teacher invited us to choose what we would create for our end piece. An old picture came to mind. My first day of primary school. In the picture I was excited, feeling like I entered the "real" world. Adults told me it was a very important moment. In hindsight it was the end of being allowed to craft, draw and play all day.

Nostalgia takes me back to the days where I created like no one was watching. There is an inner conflict in my mind, I love to draw and I judge every move I make. The teacher walked by and witnessed my process. She noticed I was being overly cautious, afraid to make a mistake, take a risk and leave my mark. One moment I would feel hope and excitement, closely followed by resistance. My mind became clouded with questions. Am I even good enough to be an artist? Am I being naive, unrealistic and overly optimistic?

BE AN ARTIST! she said loudly and boldly. At first I felt shocked by the sudden loudness of her voice. Only I knew it came from a place of love. I noticed she was surprised by the intensity of her own voice. Normally she speaks with softness and her feedback feels like a gentle push. "Be an artist" felt more like an alarm bell telling me to wake up. Not tomorrow, next week or in a year. Now!

The following days and weeks "be an artist" kept on repeating like the latest number-one radio hit. As I worked on my inner child portrait I reconnected to my innocence and how much I enjoy drawing. Only the adult in me felt stuck overthinking. I was trying to figure out what the right next step was. Again I was afraid to make a mistake. What if there is no right or wrong path to follow? What is it that I really want to do? I want to be a traveling artist who is inspired by nature and learns from ancient wisdom traditions. The answer that followed was simple. Go for it, find out and see what happens.

Before I embarked on my journey to Uruguay, I wasn't able to fully complete the drawing. I showed it to my lovely teacher and classmates as we celebrated completing the program together. I was hesitant to even share the drawing in this letter. It's left unsigned and the lighting is far from perfect. Only this is the process I am in as I let go of my perfectionism. From this day onward my inner critic no longer holds the reins.

I discovered my inner critic repeats the rules, judgements and expectations I received from my educational environment. A little girl acting like an adult to protect my optimistic and playful self from failure. Afterward I noticed how much of my life is lived from shoulds, have to's and unconscious loyalties. Finally I have stepped outside the box of conformity to embrace my free spirit.

Society told me to grow up, but I have decided to grow downwards. I am becoming deeply rooted, held by the earth and connected to the mycelium network beneath my feet. I don't need a grandiose plan or a high dose of discipline. I feel excited to draw, write and create because I truly want to. Nature and people inspire me every day. I return to being a mystic, listening deeply and allowing the beauty of life to flow through my hands.

2026 Dagdroom (Daydream) © Sanne Ham

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